I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
