She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so let's talk penis.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
