I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
