if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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