Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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