My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
