he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
