I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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