I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
