my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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