am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
