getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
