My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
