I'm so fucking centered right now
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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