What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
