i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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