my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
