btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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