I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Randomize