If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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