Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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