Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
