so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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