yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm eating all of the evidence.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
