I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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