I hate your face
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
