I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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