so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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