a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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