So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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