it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
