Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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