Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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