I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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