i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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