i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
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