First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
