I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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