it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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