How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My bed smells like the plague
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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