this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
