i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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