It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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