drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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