I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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