She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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