Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize