she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
