her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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