Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize