yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i love accidental penises.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
