If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
