Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Randomize
