Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
