All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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