I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
