you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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