I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
