We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize