Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
